personal log 7 My last physical interactions with my mother

I have a few memories of my mother . the way she smelled , the color of her hair . her smile .  She smelled like lavender and cigarettes . I remember she was kind . she was sad  though . I remember she loved Credence Clear-water Revival .  We sang "proud Mary"  and  "Bad Moon Rising" In the kitchen of the last apartment my mother and I lived in .  She had a LOVELY singing voice . I remember her singing Elvis's " I cant help falling in love " and  The Beach Boys " Wouldn't it be nice  ".   I often think what if we had escaped my father ? I truly believe she tried very hard to do just that. To take me and go as far away as she could . My father would track us down . It really didn't matter where we went . my father hunted us down.  What if she had been aloud to be a mom , to raise me on her own . just the 2 of us facing the world together after the world rejected us . This was a pipe dream I would hope to fulfill with my own daughter later in life. Much to my own sadness I  failed like my mother before me .  The last memory of my mother is really two memories that coincide. the first is older . we are in a tiny house two bedrooms one bathroom and a living space . no hall . my dad had kicked my mom out a few days ago and he told my Aunt that she had to keep us away from her , he said that he was sure she would come to get her stuff and me that day . we could hear a motorcycle pulling up and right behind it a Black Cadillac Escalade . My grandfather Ron  on the bike and his mother Florence"faylynn" Blaylock and my mother Kathy Marie Blaylock in Nanas Escalade . My Dad went outside to confirm it was them . I decided to go to the door because I wanted to see who was visiting . I knew papa rode a bike and naan had a big comfy car . I turned the knob and peeked out the door . On the lawn fighting was my mother and father Sam and Kathy. The fight between them about me and my custody . No one seemed to care about my sister Trista or my sister Margo . Just me . My grand Da could see me and both my parents could not . Papa locked eyes with me . He put his index finger to his lips urging me to be quiet . Keeping his finger to his lips , he used his other hands index finger to call me over to him . What a fun game I thought . I played the sneaky spy game and made it over to my grandfather who handed me off to my grandmother , who put me in her car into a fancy car seat . { I would look up pictures of the seat later and know it to  be a 1988 Eddie Bauer car seat ) In all of this my father must have seen what was happening because when my Aunt Lynn went outside , my father went inside to stop my mother from taking Trista . He yelled at my Aunt Lynn his sister to meet him at the church . He then walked over and took me out of the car and out of the seat . My cousin Billy went out and got my Aunt Lynns bright yellow Ford fiesta started . My dad put me in the seat and drove off . my grandfather followed my dad on his bike . turns out my grandfather was an Arizona Ranger and highway patrolman . he would fallow and have me removed from my fathers care and put in a squad car ,   I guess what happened after my father   left with me was my Aunt or rather cousin Nikki locked herself in the bathroom with my younger sister Trista . I remember ALL the adults saying " she found us ! she found us ! how could she find us ? "everyone running around and scattering like roaches after the light gets turned on. Years later the event would be christened " the day that witch kidnapped Elaine and tried to kidnap Trista . " when talking about the event , my cousin Nikki would describe herself as a Jesus Christ archetype sent as mine and my siblings blessed savior . I would spend about 6 months of so in the custody of  my mother and her family . those are some of my most HAPPY memories of the whole of my childhood . we went to Disneyland I'm told though I would not remember the trip till I visited Disneyland for my 40th birthday . We went to Washington state and to mount st Helens . we visited the grand canyon and several national parks . topping the who trip off at tombstone where my grand father was an actor .   to this day I hold that my dad kidnapped me from my mother and her family . Isolating myself and my sisters so he could further exact his torture upon us . 

the second memory is a bit more cloudy and harder to relive . we were in an apartment just me and my mom . I was in the living space . I was eating a slice of Kraft cheese and all the sudden  My dad came running through an already open  sliding glass door . I remember he had not been around for a very long time . The last time I remembered seeing him was when my mommy and papa came and got me and took me to safety . My father leapt over the couch grabbed me like a sack of potatoes and ran out the door as fast as his feet could carry him . we moved in with my Aunt Lynn and uncle Chuck who once again demanded that we call them mother and father ,. reminding us of our place in the hierarchy of things and reminding us that her first born son was more special then the adopted kids. we , my sisters and I would stay with the Lunts for the remainder of my childhood . 

my mother would call one last time . right around my 8th birthday . what follows is my memory of that last phone call . the last time I heard her voice and what she felt was important that I know : 

 "no , you cant have the new number , we are changing it when we move ,  . . . . . To get away from you ....... no you are crazy ...... you cheated on my brother you don't deserve to talk to his daughter and I am adopting her . Nikki is taking Trista and she wont take no for an answer . and we never should have taken Margo she just cry's  to be held all the . . . time . . . Oh HI!  LAINNIE ! the phone is for you it's Kathy . be quick .  you have five minutes  . " my mom Lynn said as she handed me the phone . I could not at all conceal glee or enthusiasm   from my voice  "mommy !! I miss you so much when will I see you ? are you coming to get me " I can still her my mothers voice If I think hard and concentrate . Though I'm sure the voice I put to the words I remember is just a figment of my imagination . But what do we all become when we die but memory . A comforting thought on a loved ones mind . " not for a long time foo-foo , my little bunny foo-foo . I wanted to tell you happy 8th birthday . I want you to watch over your sisters . you are the oldest and your going to have to protect them . I'm not going to be there . Remember what others think of you is none of your business , look people in the eye especially if they are sad . we have to know that we are not alone especially when we are sad . Remember thoughts are things . that witch you think in thought manifests its self  in reality . Be good and listen . be quiet and pay attention . I love you . I'll always love you and I'll never stop loving you .   can you put trissy on ?" " yes mommy . I love you too . I don't want you to go away . " " I wont be far foo-foo . Just listen to the birds and feel the breeze and I am there with you . " 

 I don't know exactly what the last thing our mother said to my sister as that is a deeply personal subject .  I do remember our mother telling my sister happy birthday . Though that is all I remember of the event . Do I think of that event ? yes. ALL THE TIME . Do I wonder if things would have been different in both my mothrer and my fathers life . I remember my biological father saying that he always expected my mother to just show back up on his door one day . Because that's what she always did . but that is not the truth . the truth is my father Kidnapped me from a good and loving home . He may not have liked or agreed with it but that is . My mother and I had an apartment at the Park-side apartments . years later I would live in the same apartments with my own daughter . unfortunately I too would make the same mistakes with my own daughter , just differently.