personal log 4 : more about me myself and I TRIGGER WARNING If you are sensitive to Abuse , INSECST , and drug use please take note and avoid if nessisary

TRIGGER WARNING mentions INSECST , ALCHOL  ABUSE , physical abuse , Perscription drug use , gass lighting , and narssisisum 

When I was seven we moved in with my mother. I say mother because my Aunt Myra spent my entire childhood trying to convince my biological sperm donor to give up his custody of my younger sisters and myself. He would never do that much to my Aunt Myra's Chagrin . I never knew that my family had a deep dark secret . One a child should never expiriance from a father . I was between 7 and 8 years old . I was prepubescent and learning what It ment to be a female with female bits and how those bits worked exactlly.

My father and I had moved out. Well I say moved out . He RAN . He ran from his problems , Ran from his mistakes and accountability for those mistakes . My father , chose us children and his Vices , alcohol , meth , and other druggs to numb his pain . So I have good memories and very very bad ones . Interspliced With memories of my mom making me a cake for my 4th or 5th birthday . care bears , sunshine bear ;Are memorries of my father leaving porn on the coffee table , him touching me , I understand why . I now know Why Jeffery Micheal Fish Targeted me . I was EASY pray. We the three of us girls Margo Trista and myself would move in with Rena Niki our aunt sharrens oldest daughter . Aunt sharren being the oldest in her famliy and My father the youngest . Lynn Myra would be the 3rd or the 4th child . My aunt lynn had alrady Legally adopted  her sister sharrens baby .  Her sister had slept with her husband . Charles Lunt . He had sex with my aunt sharren and is in fact my "brother" andrews biological father . How could she be ok with that ? I wasn't ok when Steven Micheal Turner got my sister Margo pregnant . More then once too . Or when Rena Niki Slept WIth my then Husband Jeff or my then husband steven , and joal , pretty much EVERY single male i slept with . Niki Despately wanted to be a mother. So baddly did she want it she did not care who the father was .  she did not care if she was being disloyal to someone she thought of as her daughter , prostituting MY DAUGHTER to my abusive exhusband because he had to have visits if he was going to pay for the kid so he could molest and rape her the same he did to me and his own siblings .All so REna Niki could get pregnat. She slept with men i did because i think she wanted my life she wanted to be a fertal mertal like me . 

I would go to Kindergarden and first grade at Lowel Elementry . Next door to Mesa Jr High .  Afew miles down the road from Mesa High Where my brothers and older sister that did graduate , graduated from . I would not graduate from a traditional high school . Nor did I or any of my sibling walk as they say . My high risk Pregnacy would not alow it . I missed too meany days . I would not be able to graduate in 2002 like i had been 1 credit away from . I would go to prima vera Tech on line high school and get my diploma that wy . Though my learning disabilitys , color blindness , ADHD , and TRAUMA , Combined  Ehler Danlos  Syndrome , and a supper over active thyroyed . 

The first time I tryed to tell the adults in my life the truth was probably one of the most traumatizing and scary things for a little girl just old enough to be in first grade . You see what Lynn and Niki didn't know ....

Wait no that is a falsehood and in this I am ONLY TELLING THE TRUTH . Lynn , Niki ,and so meny couldn't less others would look into my eyes and Ignore what they saw and what they knew . I was being molested and raped nearly everyday by My Father Sam Preslar who lived with us at the time , Roger my uncle , Lynns husband Charles Lunt and his son Charles Andrew Lunt , and his friends ( whose names unfortunatly I no longer remember ) were all  at the minumum touching me inappropriately and watching me bathe and change my clothes . My brother had already clear tapped my hands , feet , mouth and eyes ,tucked me in a closet while my Aunt and uncle were away and then sold use of me and my uncovered holes to his friends , strangers , whoever he could get to pay . I know my dad , and my two uncles participated . so when I went to lowel elementry I told my teacher I was being touched . they called the police , took me to the principals office , grilled me about who in the school had touched me . what little boy did it . I said no one no stranger touched me . if they had asked the right questions . then. It might have been different . if My brothers or rather cousins took accountability for selling me off like chatle . be that as It may the police and my teachers would paraid me from class to class . asking the same thing in every classroom is that him ? no I would answer . they would say its alright if he Is a fucking beaner fucking ancor baby bullshit piece of trash . I want to save us all the time and just stomp his head in on a curb  . if he is black . oh that monkey nigger piece of shit has no where to go you tell us Elaine . you tell us , you tell us right now . All said whispered . All said under breath . I felt so pressured and bullyed and scared . I didnt want them to take my family away . my dad and aunt lynn all said this was what every father did . All dads touched and inspected their daughters vaginas a cause it was thier right as fathers and uncles , they had to pre test the goods  before they sold them . It was gods given right to fathers uncles and brothers they told me .I knew I was breaking so meny rules of my family . they kept saying I had to keep it all secret because no one would understand they weren't part of our family did NOIT know that the adults in my life were just trying to keep our bloodline pure . I had no idea what the meant. Had no idea that I was a tragic victim 

I would end up wrongly accusing a young man . a Hispanic and heavy set boy . He started crying when the policeman RIPPED him out of his chair . and I heard the cop talk to the boy . under his breath sorta whispered in his ear  I remember  it so clearly I'll never forget it . he said " you picked the wrong white girl to touch you little beaner shit brat . We give no shits if you did it you messed with the grand dragons daughter " the white and bald police officer said . Not just any policeman . that was My friend Britney's dad . what did he mean grand dragon ? Was my dad in some club . I knew he was a ree masson and that most of my male family were members . I ended up stopping them from taking the boy . I said I lied and that I just had a rash from not wiping . thast no one was touching me and I was sorry to have caused so much trouble . THE LIE WAS THAT I WAS NOT BEING MOLESTED I WAS A 7-8 YEAR OLD BABY THAT WOULD NEVER REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS BEING DONE TO HER BY THOSE WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN HER  PROTECTORS  . 

I would spend the next year being molested and raped by my " bothers ", my uncles , my father , and my brothers friends . Even a handful of my Lunt cousins still took what advantige they could because my sisters and I were beautiful

 I Know now that my sisters and I were tools and pawns I a much larger scheme to hide my family's shame . the shame that EVERY SINGLE father is the worst that they can be . EVRY person I the Lunt , Ray , Preslar , Fish , and Turner familys are all bad humans . They made bad choices and chose thier adictions over thier children .  My aunt would live her life with no will to live often talking about her health and that she probly wouldnt live all that long . I remeber being ages 12 - 19 and the underhanded and mean things said and done , I know one thing is for true I  have remained a loving kind and empithetic person . Im damiged but loving